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Lifting Up Tears

on April 17, 2013

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This is me on t.v.
I am in the red coat with both hands in the air.
Funny, isn’t it ?

We ( as in the St Louis Cardinals- yes I consider myself a Cardinal),
Had just won the game.

Next on the screen,
I could see Brian and I giving each other high fives.
So adorable.

This was Friday night.
A very cold game.
Our first of the season.
Even with the cold,
We enjoyed our time together.

An ordinary Cardinals home game complete with a visit to Joe Bucks.

Today I wonder,
What would happen if this ordinary event had turned ugly,
Like the Boston Marathon?

What if something that seemed as normal as breathing,
suddenly was shattered by blasts and smoke and screams and sadness?

How much I pray for all of those devastated by loss of life, limb and innocence.

How much I know “ordinary” has been erupted into questions and silence and bewildered thoughts for many.

I thank God for those volunteers and heroes who quickly jumped up to help.
Disregarding their own safety for that of others.

A true vision of selfless love of neighbor.
A beacon of light.
An opening in the clouds.

Today we attended a prayer service.
It was for a woman who passed away from cancer.
She played the piano and sang at our wedding.
She was in the choir with my husband.

She radiated joy!
I knew when she was the one playing in the loft,
Hidden from view.
The music was full of her brightness.

We have a picture of her on our wedding day,
Smile spreading across her face.
Doing what seemed to be her favorite thing,
Playing and singing.

She was love.

I didn’t know her to the extent of her family and friends,
But I knew she was light.

Today her daughter sang
“Amazing Grace” in a clear,
Strong and beautiful voice.

It brought me to tears.
Honestly I wanted to weep.

I am a Christian
And ferociously believe that she is in Heaven.
So why cry?

Is it the shadows of those of whom
we have lost to cancer?
Is it the gift she was that I will miss?
Is it the overwhelming grief that seems to cling to the air?

I have a hard time with visitations and don’t like looking at the empty shell that once housed the soul that is no longer there.
It could be my own difficulties with seeing others grieve or the sadness of good-byes.
I always feel most helpless at that moment.

Maybe God has sent me to share in their pain, if that makes sense.
Maybe I can lift even a little sadness from them so they may feel lighter.

I try to connect with what the Spirit is moving me towards,
This person needs comfort through a hug,
This one through words of peace,
This one through shared tears and silence.

I pray I am always led towards whatever action will help the grieving most.

Today it was prayers.

All of those wise words and quotes don’t always seem appropriate to me.
You know,
The ones people say because they want to help?
The ones I am sure I have uttered when I knew nothing else to say.

(“At least she is no longer suffering.”)
While maybe true,
Some words may not actually help at funerals and visitations.

In times of sadness,
I most often feel those fall short of any actual comfort.

So maybe just maybe when I offer up my tears as prayers,
They arrive as a peaceful breath to the one who needs it most.
A sigh full of warmth.

I do know
our dear light, Susan,
Is no longer in need of my tears.
My thoughts on Heaven are numerous
But I am sure she is at peace and
Her soul is full of the warmth of love.
And I think she must be enjoying the heavenly choir right now.
Maybe playing songs beyond our comprehension or
Maybe just basking in the glorious songs of angels.

For all today who don’t know what to say or do or know how to help,
Yet you feel sadness,
Lift it up.

I don’t believe your tears end up on the floor or your shirt or end in vain.

I believe they take the shape of your love.
Deeply felt by the ones who need it most.

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2 responses to “Lifting Up Tears

  1. deeply beautiful post. Deeply moving.

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